Things are quite different now. He's done just as I asked, y'know, he doesn't go mad at me anymore, and doesn't moan for hours on end. He reckons he's changed heaps. He was dead proud that he didn't go mad at me in the cafe when Charlie was talking about Simon and stuff. Instead he just got stressed and then when we got home he explained it to me, explained that I had no reason to be mad at him at all, explained that after telling me I was a tart everything was ok and we'd forget about it all, explained that he had a right to be mad and he'd done everything right, just as I wanted, we'd sorted it out in a civilized manner, but all I could think was 'what the fuck have I done?'.
I found myself wishing that he had gone mad in the cafe. I needed an excuse to resent him and now I didn't have one. He was so pleased and impressed with himself for acting the 'perfect boyfriend'. I don't know what I want anymore. I've got what I thought I wanted so why don't I feel any better? I guess nothing has really changed. I'm still scared of asking for my life back, even more so. The way he see's it is we've sorted out our problems so there's no need to see less of each other. If I loved him then I'd want to see him, simple as that. He says if I'd have decided not to go to rehersal with him then he would have seen it as the end and there wouldn't be any point in carrying on. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to go through with something like that. It seemes kinda impossible now. He even talked about killing himself - God, what have I got myself into. He wants me to think about moving in with him. He says if I love him I have to give up a little, I have to give up things for him for once, I have to make it real, prove to him that I mean what I say. He thinks I owe him that at least.
I thought yesterday had been an improvement. We had a laugh and didn't talk about the future or any kind of pressures and I could feel myself loving him like I used to again. It was great. Seeing Charlotte with P today was really awkward cos I knew he didn't want to be there, or rather he didn't want her there. I couldn't believe he told her we were having sex. I know he did it out of spite but he doesn't realize how unnecessary it was. He spent the rest of the day slagging Charlie off, like he does with all my friends. Sorry-I've got no right to be bitchy-I know he doesn't mean it so it's not even worth stressing about. Sometimes I just wish we could have a normal relationship but how exactly do you define normal? I feel like such a fake, why can't I be happy with what I've got? He's the perfect boyfriend right? What more could I want.....
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