26th June 1995

Today has been a day and a half but for the first time ever I've been honest with him and in return he's been honest with me. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes me feel. For the first time I felt he was listening, not just talking but listening and trying to understand. I have more respect for him now than I ever have. I understand him better than I ever have. He feels ashamed of what he told me today but just explaining it to me and showing me how much he wants to change and make up for the damage made me look at him in a way I haven't for a long while. I've never stopped loving him but for the first time I wanted to do something about it, I want to make things better because I know they can be. It was almost like I'd given up hope. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore but suddenly I can see more than just surviving to the end of each day. I don't dread the next day. I'm not saying everything's perfect, they wont be for a while but least I've got a bit of hope again. He means so much to me. I felt guilty for feeling how I did towards him and although he seemed to understand I hope to god he doesn't resent me, I hope he doesn't hate himself, I hope he's still there for me, I hope I never take him for granted again.