It's almost like he's trying to drive me away - he feels like shit so why shouldn't I? Maybe I have changed or maybe I've just become more honest with myself. We always have to see it from his point of view. He'll go out of his way to recall every little thing he's done for me and hold it against me, so I can see that he's just so hard done by. I've hurt him yet again but the thing is, one or two reminders of what an ungrateful insensitive girlfriend I am just aren't enough. It has to carry on continously through the whole day. Of course I can't deny that what he's saying isn't true. He says nothing I don't already know. I wish I had surprised him and phoned him yesterday, or wrote him a letter. And its only right to assume that the fact I didn't makes me the lowest of the low, and him so very 'soft' for putting up with my irrational behavior. So when I told him that I mentioned to someone how he asked me not to go swimming that was it, I'd betrayed his trust and can never be forgiven. How dare I ridicule him in front of a stranger? Of course its completely different to him complaining about me to Sally or telling Vicki things I wouldn't tell her in a million years. I swear I could never do to him the things he does to me.
He accuses me of building a wall between us that he's trying to knock down, but sometimes I wonder. He doesn't expect a lot from me but what he does expect he wants so desperately that our whole relationship depends on it, but the more they're picked at the less I want to change them. I don't know anymore if I want to write him a letter cos it would just be a special thing to do or cos I know he'll make me feel as guilty as fuck if I don't.
I'll put up with it though cos today I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen for a while, the scared side, the child inside whose hurting, the person he is when he's asleep and half dreaming, vulnerable and frightened and so innocent its ironic. The trouble is I don't even know if he's full aware of himself. I guess I just know that I could never leave him, I could never hurt anyone that much. I'd love to give him the love he needs, make him feel secure.
Sometimes his feelings suffercate me to the point that I have to switch off. The voices inside my head are all fighting to be heard so much that they become lost in the chaos. By the end of each day I'll feel so drained I kinda wonder why I bother - but I'll never give up.
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