28th May 1995

No one can explain the feeling

God, I feel so fucked up. I've been made to feel like shit practically all day. Why the fuck does the fact that I'm not particularly keen on ruining the f all the relationships I have left with people for a few hours of fun automatically prove that I can't be trusted, am a complete liar, and am actually not in love at all. Whereas purposely making me feel like shit repeatedly is perfectly fine???? acceptable????? I don't want to write anything I might regret. I just hope to God things get better cos they sure as hell cant get much worse. Whats scary is that I don't think I'm strong enough to get myself out if they do.

26th May 1995

Sometimes I think that this might actually be it. I know that often it seems to take a while to catch up with my feelings but I've realise now that I no longer want to stay with P because he says he can't live without me but because I've got a funny feeling that I'd have serious problems too coping without him. I don't want to feel pressured into loving him cos I guess I can manage that perfectly well on my own-without any encouragement. He's been hurt so much in the past. Its just an amazing feeling to know that I, in some way seem to, I dont know, I guess its hard to understand what it is that I do for him. I do know he deserves someone who'll make him feel special and loved. Personally, I feel he deserves more than me. There are heaps of people out there that can give him the love he needs, but I guess he's had trouble finding them. He makes out that I am the most caring person in the world. I'm not sure about that but I do know that I just want to make him happy and I guess it kinda hurts when I don't feel I'm able to do that. I haven't a clue if any of this makes sense. I'm just trying to figure it out in my head, what I want, how I feel. It's so hard to see things in proportion when you feel like this. Maybe I'll even look back and laugh but right now I know that P is the most special person in my life and I guess being away from him is not gonna be easy. I've got a feeling I'm gonna miss him more than I can imagine.

22nd May 1995

Finishing these exams has really made a difference to the way I feel about P. I guess its hard to let yourself fall in love and memorize the ions present in hard water or worrying about bodging an exam at the same time. But I always knew things would be different after the 21st. Its like I can finally relax and fully enjoy the pleasures of have a gorgeous caring sexy boyf who loves me for who I am. I know what we have is special. It's like now I have the chance to prove it to him. I honestly can't imagine going out with someone else after P. I guess I cant say how I'm gonna feel in what a year, 2 years times but I'm gonna have to change a hell of a lot if I ever decide to leave P cos right now I just couldn't imagine it.

When I wrote before I was kinda pissed off, maybe I said things that weren't exactly true. P made up for it by phoning 9.00 the next morning to meet me to apologize a few thousand times for pissing me off. I love him (to the max!)

15th May 1995

So much has happened - I don't know where to start. P's been treating me like a queen. Sometimes I think I must be the luckiest girl in the world. I really do love him. Sally's been a pure bitch lately. I honestly can't see that I've done anything wrong but she's been treating both me and P like shit and I've just decided that shes just not worth the hassle. I really don't need friends like that. I've been seeing P for 5 weeks now. He talks about moving in together and getting married and stuff. I guess I should be kinda scared but right now it's like, maybe I don't realize or can't accept what I mean to him. He talks about how I've changed his life and he wouldn't know how to cope without me. I guess the fact that I'm not scared is scary in itself. I'm not saying everything's perfect between us but I guess we have something special - not something I could easily throw away. The only thing that annoys me is how he can sometimes seem to be looking for something to go wrong - for me to tell him I don't care about him, which I find hard to understand cos I guess I'm the kinda person to hide from stuff like that. If I think there's a problem then I'll try and avoid it, ignore it and hope it will disappear, because I'm scared of inventing an opportunity to ruin things. Maybe that's stupid. I don't know. Sometimes I'm scared that I'm in too deep and I'm suddenly going to realize that I can't get out. As much as I love P, and I do, it's like there's always a voice in my head trying to tell me that he means nothing to me and I wouldn't miss him if I never saw him again. I don't know how I feel. I've never been in love before. It doesn't hurt when I'm not with him like he says it does. I know I don't make him feel as special as I should but I'm scared of telling him things that I don't even know are true or not. As much as I'd love to I cant tell him that I'll never leave him or I wouldn't cope without him etc but I dont want to tell him that I would cope or might leave cos, I dont know, I wish I was sure of how I felt but I dont know how to find out.

5th May 1995

Something weird's going on & I just don't know who to believe anymore. I hate it cos I had a really good time with with P today. In fact I aways do. Its just when  Sally was Ok with me too. In fact she was really nice - I can't believe that either of them would lie to me. I wish I could keep them separate cos they both bring out the worst in each other and I hate it. P says if I left him it would tear him apart. He was almost crying. Its kinda scary but he makes me and yet safe at the same time. Is that really selfish? I guess I've kinda brought on all the hassels between P & S myself cos I'm too honest with both of them  - which kinda makes me two faced. Why does life have to be so confusing???

1st May 1995

I told P I loved him and I meant it - more than anything. I guess its days like this that make me realise just how much he does mean to me. Right now I wouldn't care if I never had anything to do with Sally again. Sure she's been a bitch before but I've never felt like she's deliberately tried to hurt me. I hate the way she acts as though she's above me, she can do so much better for herself etc. She says that I don't tell her anything and I'm not gonna pretend that I do. I don't even try to cos its not worth it. I don't know how she can honestly expect me to tell her stuff when half the time she acts so uninterested as if she simply doesn't want to know.  It's not that that really bothers me, it's mainly what she's been saying to P about me. She knows how to get to him and has done a pretty good job of it. It makes me sick how she's determined to ruin this for me.

30th April 1995

I've just written P a major soppy letter. Oh how sad I am, I am so sad etc etc

pm

The letter was a hit! Apparently it said 'everything P wanted to hear from me'.  He phoned me just to tell me that. I love him loads.