15th June 1995

I love him....but I'm scared that I'm not enough for him. I'm scared that I can't tell him how I feel. I haven't told him my fear of getting pregnant because I try to block out the reason. I'm scared of people looking at me like I've done something wrong. People who think they know me but don't understand. Surely I shouldn't care. P thinks I'm so 'good' and 'nice' which makes me feel like a fake because I know I'm not but I'm willing to hide behind that image. I regret not always telling him the truth-if I did maybe he'd realize how much more I feel for him now than I did. I wish I could say that he brings out the best in me but I don't feel that he does. I don't understand how he can tell me I'm special. I'm scared of changing but I'm scared of staying the same-I just want to make him happy-maybe too much. I want him to hear what he wants to hear from me, not about my moments of mistrust in him, how scared I am of finding out things I wouldn't want to find out. I need to learn how to show him I love him before I scare him with my worries. I feel guilty just writing this-as if Im keeping some big secret from him. Everyday I feel like I should be making it up to him, but I never feel that I have. I don't even know why I feel like this-he deserves so much more. Why am I doing this to him?