19th June 1995

I don't know how long I can put up with this for - I feel so.... drained - I try to be honest but I end up sounding a bitch. He says he wants to know how I feel but when I tell him he doesn't listen and when I'm too scared to tell him he hates me. I can't win. I tried, I really did. I convinced myself I was in the wrong all fucking night. Inside maybe I hated him but I convinced myself it was me I hated for treating him so badly. I love him and tried to understand how he felt, how I had hurt him-I knew it was my fault. All night I tried to make things better I hated myself, blamed myself for the situation just like he blamed me. I sympathised with his sob stories. I listended to his accusations. I accepted his insults, just like I accepted his apologies, although we both knew it was unnecessary. Like we both knew his feelings weren't being considered or if they were it sure as hell weren't enough. He was the one suffering afterall, because of me, because I couldn't tell him I was happy, because I love him too much to feel secure, because I cant believe that I deserve someone like him to care for me. How could I be so insensitive and ungrateful?? Just because he asks for the truth and says he wont get mad doesn't mean I have the right to tell him how I feel. Just like last night. Except tonight I wont be writing a 4 page letter to apologize for my behaviour - I guess I don't feel up to it right now. I guess he had to find out some day that I'm not the nice girl he thought afterall.