29th April 1995

I don't believe this, P gets on better with my bloody parents than he does with me. I hate it. I know its not P's fault but I just feel so patronised. What the fuck does he see in me anyway - I'm only 15 for Gods sake. He deserves more. I do love him but I just can't understand how he can tell me he loves me. I can't tell him how I feel cos the last thing I want is his sympathy... For the first time I feel jealous, possesive and even obsessive - meanwhile P's stressing that I don't feel as much for him as he feels for me... I know I'm doing things in a crazy order but right now I feel ......in love?? It's kinds scary - I've never known how it feels to be in love before.

27th April 1995

well.....I'm still the same person..............(!!?!)

26th April 1995

I think I'm in lurrve....

21st April 1995

What the hell is wrong with me - I really don't know a good thing when I see one (???).  I don't realize how lucky I am. P is special - its taken me a while to realize it but something Vicky said today made me realize I am lucky. He treats me like a queen and I know I don't deserve him. I'm never gonna find anyone else like him. As Vicky said 'I've definitely caught a good'en!' I guess I've been taking his feelings for granted and haven't been treating him as well as I should. He deserves more from me. I guess its time to wake up and start treating him right. He's so good to me. Its gonna take someone very special to live up to my standards after going out with P. The thought of falling in love with him doesn't quite seem so scary anymore - I may even enjoy it....

20th April 1995

Today was really weird - P was telling me about all his problems and how he couldn't cope with life anymore. I really wanted to help but I just didn't know how to. I felt so useless, it kinda got to me. I wish I knew how I felt so I could tell him. He wants me to love him so much, but I don't know if I'm ready to. Nothing makes sense anymore - I'm so scared of hurting him - I've never been in this position and I don't know how to react. I've always wanted someone to love me and make me feel special but I guess it scares me that I can mean so much to him when personally I don't feel that good about myself at all. I want to love him back but I dont know if I do. Maybe I need some time to find out how I feel. I'm scared of finding out that I don't need him. I hate myself for leading him on. If I loved him then it wouldn't be a problem which is maybe why I feel obliged to love him. I can't risk the chance of finding out that I don't because I'd never forgive myself. I'm all he has. I've screwed up his life and now all he has is me. It scares the hell out of me.

16th April 1995

I wish I knew how I felt so that I know what to write but, I dont know,  I just seem to be unable to feel anything anymore. I dont know if I should be over the moon or scared out of my head. All I can do is listen to other people and how they feel - in the hope that maybe I'll be able to relate to some of what they say. But I just seem immune to any kind of feeling or opinion - it must sound stupid. Maybe I'm not ready for  all this - maybe I'm taking things too quickly but....maybe I should be in love then again I may even be in love -  I just don't know.

15th April 1995

FUCK!-What the hell is wrong with me. I phoned Ali, explained to him how I felt - I guess was going ok till he told me to tell P he's a bastard etc, it was as if that just set a trigger off inside me. I just started crying - not badly at first but I just kinda broke down after he'd gone. Ali said something about maybe we'd get back together again sometime - I'm surprised he'd even consider taking me back after the way I've treated him. The phone rang a few seconds after I'd put the phone down but they hung up after I'd said hello - I don't know if it was Ali or not - I guess I never will.

pm.
I sometimes think that life's one big trick just waiting to catch me out...
P seems to really like me - maybe too much - I'm scared of believing everything he says cos I just feel so vulnerable. Everyone keeps warning me about P - but I don't care - I'm even tempted to give them something to worry about - I dont know if I luv P but I do know I luv being with him and how he makes me feel - that doesn't mean I've forgotton about Ali cos I haven't at all. He meant a lot to me and I'm not expecting to forget him just like that. But I dont know - maybe its gonna take longer than I thought

14th April 1995

I'm such a bitch - I knew this would happen - I saw P and we had a really good time - I was just so happy y'know. I swear he is just so perfect its scary. I think I love him -  which brings me on to Ali - What I'm doing to him is just so low - I'm treating him like shit & feel as guilty as fuck about it - He doesn't deserve to be treated like this and I really hate myself so I'm going to tell him the truth. Which must suck after I told him how I wanted to forget about P - What the fuck did I expect was going to happen today? I know I deserve it but I cant stand the thought of everyone hating me. P and Ali are just so different to compare. I hope to God that I'm not making a mistake - I really do.

10.45
Ok, so I phoned Ali eventually. I guess he took it quite well. He asked if I'd enjoyed going out with him and if I regretted it and stuff but he said he wasn't really expecting it to last for long or nothing.  I'm not sure how I should take that but I'm chuffed that he doesn't hate me - I hope he still feels the same when he's sober! I phoned P after and I feel sure I made the right decision - Hating myself was kinda starting to do my head in. I feel really stupid about roaring on the phone to Charlie now - I was just really messed up. I know everyones gonna say P's too old for me - but I dont care - he treats me like I'm special and I love him to bits!!
P.s This 13 year old attempted to chat me up (non-so subtly) in town today-what with that & Kully confessing his undying love for me (well kinda..(??)) this bofy theory thing is becoming kinda spooky!

12th April 1995

I should have written yesterday cos I guess how I feel today will reflect in explaining what happened. I spoke to P on the phone. I could have seen him but I didn't want to until I'd read this letter that he wrote me - well that was my excuse - it was partly true but one reason I didn't want to see him was cos I was scared of fancying him again if I saw him. Anyway P was being really nice on the phone - I got his letter and I have to admit I never imagined that any lad could be that sweet. I've written back an equally deep and meaningful letter. Sal read it and kinda accused me of leading him on-that wasn't my intention at all, I genuinely just wanted him to know I didn't hate him or particularly deserve his sympathy. Sal promised that she wouldn't tell me but apparently P fancies me. This kinda confused me to the max. I've arranged to do something really stupid but I have a feeling I'm not going to realize till too late - I'm seeing P tomorrow. I'm not sure why - maybe it was a mistake. I'd arranged to see Ali today & I figured that I'd be able to work out where I stood with Ali before seeing P. Things went really well with Ali, we talked for quite a while and we had a really good laugh. I kinda decided this was where I wanted to be. I don't know what happened then, about 9.30 he just turned really funny on me. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong - I don't want to sound like I'm dissing him cos of a slight mood swing - I just wish he could have talked to me. Everything was so perfect before (ice cream has never tasted so good!!!) p.s. its true that lads only start paying attention to you when you've got a boyf - it sucks

10th April 1995

I luv Ali to the max, 

roll on Hagen Das Friday!..........(!!!)

??!!

P.s. I've just been talking to some extremely strange person on the phone claiming to be David for almost an hour. I swear this could not be the same person who is accused of being shy. I couldn't shut him up! He is the craziest crudest person I know! I'm still recovering from the shock. Apparently I'm extremely privildeged that he has revealed his true self to me. I swear I'll wake up any minute and find it was a dream! Split personality OR WHAT!!!???

9th April 1995

I'm finally getting my life sorted out -  well concerning Ali anyway. I've actually got Sal to thank for getting me out of this mess. She phoned him to say how bad I felt about it all etc, then he phoned me and apologised for upsetting me - which wounds kinda ironic,  so we forgave each other and just chatted, y'know, about stuff..... well about sex actually but nothing heavy. We were just having a laugh. Ali is the sweetest guy I know. Even Sal says he's sweet and I'm lucky to have him - As if I didn't know! I'm just so chuffed we're getting on so well again. I don't know what I'd have done if we split up- I know we've only been going out for 2 weeks but I guess I've fallen for him in a big way. I'm not saying he's perfect but he sure as hell comes close.
P.s. I  was out of order saying that stuff about P. I guess I just needed to feel as though I hated him - it made things clearer in my head.

9th April 1995

I am just so fucked up -  I need to know where I stand with Ali. From what I've heard it seems that P has been giving the impression that I was totally to blame and that he couldn't control me. I wish I could remember more so that I could disprove that. Ok, so maybe I was coming on to him but he has no right to act as if he is completely blameless. I can remember some of what happened and believe me it didn't seem like he was trying to control me -  he sure has a warped idea of the term control. I can't believe I've almost lost Ali over this bastard. What the fuck is wrong with me.

8th April 1995

I'm not quite sure where I should start. There's no way of telling this that won't make it sound soooo awful. Basically at Sal's party there was this lad-P, 20 something, black, fit, etc. I got totally pissed and y'know somehow ended up lying next to him. Everyone was telling me to get off him but P was like 'leave her alone, she's fine, I'll look after her' and he probably would have if he hadn't got pissed too. I got worse and really didn't have a clue what I was doing - I wish I could say that if I did I wouldn't have done what I did, but, I don't know, I guess I'm still confused. Anyway I got off with him. I remember that because it was just so different to Ali. Again I wish I could say that it was him coming on to me but unfortunately it wasn't so I don't have any excuse. Apparently we were like this close to going all the way which sounds kinda scary but I was just so pissed I didn't think about what was going on. Anyway someone came in just in time and I started crying for about 2 hours. I hadn't a clue what had just happened. Everyone else was having a go at P so he was getting really stressed and then he thumped a massive hole in the wall. I can't remember a thing about what happened next. I remember apologizing to Sal's brov and he was like 'It's ok, we all get pissed sometimes - you're young etc ' and for some reason I kissed him on the hand (?)

I know what happened with P was a big mistake but at the time I really did feel like I loved him. It sounds stupid now - I knew this person for what half an hour if that before coming to this conclusion. I do regret what happened - I was stupid and I know it was my fault - I want to tell Ali because I just feel that he deserves to know what an idiot I am. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to know me but I just want to be honest with him - he deserves that much.

pm

I told Ali what happened but I just felt as though I was trying to make excuses for myself. As if by telling him what happened would somehow make up for it. I guess I did the right thing by telling him but I haven't a clue how he feels about me now, and I don't know what the fuck I should do next. He said it didn't matter but then he started asking me stupid questions like will I see him again and was he good - what the fuck am I meant to say to that? God I'm so stupid.

pm

James phoned me and said that Ali likes me but he just doesn't know if he can trust me. Apparently he got really stressed and hit a fence or something - I just felt really bad and was almost roaring - I phoned Ali and tried to explain things better. I don't know if it did much good. I basically said that I didn't blame him if he hated me and I must sound really pathetic etc. I just really didn't know how to explain that he means a lot more to me than it must seem. I hate myself for letting what happened happen. I was so determined not to let Ali get away and I end up just ruining it all for some lad I don't even know. I hope things can go back to the way they were with me and Ali - Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I just don't deserve him anyway.....

6th April 1995

I guess I've always just kinda assumed that all lads had like a major problem with talking about their feelings. But Ali's different. He doesn't pretend to be something he's not. I admit that at first I simply fancied him cos I thought he was a complete babe whereas I knew fuck all about his personality. I'm not saying that I know everything there is to know about him now but we have agreed to try and get to know each other properly without all this polite talk crap. He asked if he was the person I'd gone furthest with and I wish I could have said yes. I really regret getting off with that German lad. I'll never forgive myself for letting him make me feel like he just used me. Me and Ali are special. I guess I don't need to have gone the furthest with him to prove that. I just can't stand having to compare Ali to someone who I felt absolutely nothing for.

4th April 1995

School was actually kinda cool. In Tech we played this game which was meant to reveal everyone's deepest secrets! It was a pure laugh, I ended up kissing Jonathan on the hand which was no big deal although it looks like I'm never gonna live it down. If I wasn't so smitten with Ali then I could have been in serious danger of actually taking a liking to the dude (Jonathan)-which is extremely sad and I'm sure I'll regret saying that. I saw Sean R on the way home and he goes 'Hi luv-you've got a nice smile y'know'!! What with that and Andrew almost (?) admitting that I was the sexiest girl in the class (???) I've just been overwhelmed with compliments - I'm sure I shouldn't be this happy with life - it's kinda scary!
P.s. I hope Ali will still luv me when I've failed all my exams!!!

3rd April 1995

For a first date I guess it went pretty well!! At first it was kinda awkward which I expected-but at Dom's house everything was perfect(!!) (the can of beer may have something to do with it!!). We talked loads, y'know about stuff you want to talk about-none of this polite conversation crap. I even told him about J and that crap I'm always bobbbing on about in here but have never actually told anyone. He's really considerate and likes it to be clear where we stand. Apparently none of his relationships have lasted more than a month so I reassured him we'd last forever. He doesn't make me feel at all insecure. If our relationship was like it was at Dom's house all the time then it would be perfect - He's the nicest person whose ever taken an interest in me and I'm determined not to let him go.