30th June 1995

After a stressful day yesterday and a mental note to make more of an effort to be a better girlfriend, we had a most successful day today. We didn't argue once - it was quite an achievement. It seemed like he not only needed me but loved me too. I guess the feeling was mutual.

I accidently discovered something that he yesterday read out to me. He wrote it about the day we first met. Except the version I found was distinctly different to the version he read to me, which was much more complimentary to moi and displayed distinctly less admiration towards 'Sam'. I never thought that he could lie to try and make me feel more special. I guess I thought that was my job. If he lied about this what else has my perfect boyfriend lied about that I would never find out.

I guess its comforting to know that maybe I'm not the only one living a lie......

27th June 1995

Things are quite different now. He's done just as I asked, y'know, he doesn't go mad at me anymore, and doesn't moan for hours on end. He reckons he's changed heaps. He was dead proud that he didn't go mad at me in the cafe when Charlie was talking about Simon and stuff. Instead he just got stressed and then when we got home he explained it to me, explained that I had no reason to be mad at him at all, explained that after telling me I was a tart everything was ok and we'd forget about it all, explained that he had a right to be mad and he'd done everything right, just as I wanted, we'd sorted it out in a civilized manner, but all I could think was 'what the fuck have I done?'.

I found myself wishing that he had gone mad in the cafe. I needed an excuse to resent him and now I didn't have one. He was so pleased and impressed with himself for acting the 'perfect boyfriend'. I don't know what I want anymore. I've got what I thought I wanted so why don't I feel any better? I guess nothing has really changed. I'm still scared of asking for my life back, even more so. The way he see's it is we've sorted out our problems so there's no need to see less of each other. If I loved him then I'd want to see him, simple as that. He says if I'd have decided not to go to rehersal with him then he would have seen it as the end and there wouldn't be any point in carrying on. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to go through with something like that. It seemes kinda impossible now. He even talked about killing himself - God, what have I got myself into. He wants me to think about moving in with him. He says if I love him I have to give up a little, I have to give up things for him for once, I have to make it real, prove to him that I mean what I say. He thinks I owe him that at least.

I thought yesterday had been an improvement. We had a laugh and didn't talk about the future or any kind of pressures and I could feel myself loving him like I used to again. It was great. Seeing Charlotte with P today was really awkward cos I knew he didn't want to be there, or rather he didn't want her there. I couldn't believe he told her we were having sex. I know he did it out of spite but he doesn't realize how unnecessary it was. He spent the rest of the day slagging Charlie off, like he does with all my friends. Sorry-I've got no right to be bitchy-I know he doesn't mean it so it's not even worth stressing about. Sometimes I just wish we could have a normal relationship but how exactly do you define normal? I feel like such a fake, why can't I be happy with what I've got? He's the perfect boyfriend right? What more could I want.....

26th June 1995

Today has been a day and a half but for the first time ever I've been honest with him and in return he's been honest with me. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes me feel. For the first time I felt he was listening, not just talking but listening and trying to understand. I have more respect for him now than I ever have. I understand him better than I ever have. He feels ashamed of what he told me today but just explaining it to me and showing me how much he wants to change and make up for the damage made me look at him in a way I haven't for a long while. I've never stopped loving him but for the first time I wanted to do something about it, I want to make things better because I know they can be. It was almost like I'd given up hope. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore but suddenly I can see more than just surviving to the end of each day. I don't dread the next day. I'm not saying everything's perfect, they wont be for a while but least I've got a bit of hope again. He means so much to me. I felt guilty for feeling how I did towards him and although he seemed to understand I hope to god he doesn't resent me, I hope he doesn't hate himself, I hope he's still there for me, I hope I never take him for granted again.

25th June 1995

She says he doesn't love me, he wants to possess me. Its unnatural, she says. How she saw me on Sunday was the happiest she'd seen me for ages, because I was my 'old' self again. She says I've lost all my friends and I'm wasting the holidays - like its become a habit. She says not to believe that I've changed him, that I'm different; his insecurities are painfully obvious.

I wish I could say that I didn't listen, that I took no notice, that I didn't believe a word of it. I promised P I wouldn't listen, I promised but I.....I want my life back........I don't know what to do.

I told him he's not controlling me but he is whether he likes it or not. I'm scared of him. I'm scared of hurting him so much that I can't be honest with him. He's changed me. He's taken so much out of me that I've got nothing left to give. This can't carry on.....

24th June 1995

It's almost like he's trying to drive me away - he feels like shit so why shouldn't I? Maybe I have changed or maybe I've just become more honest with myself. We always have to see it from his point of view. He'll go out of his way to recall every little thing he's done for me and hold it against me, so I can see that he's just so hard done by. I've hurt him yet again but the thing is, one or two reminders of what an ungrateful insensitive girlfriend I am just aren't enough. It has to carry on continously through the whole day. Of course I can't deny that what he's saying isn't true. He says nothing I don't already know. I wish I had surprised him and phoned him yesterday, or wrote him a letter. And its only right to assume that the fact I didn't makes me the lowest of the low, and him so very 'soft' for putting up with my irrational behavior. So when I told him that I mentioned to someone how he asked me not to go swimming that was it, I'd betrayed his trust and can never be forgiven. How dare I ridicule him in front of a stranger? Of course its completely different to him complaining about me to Sally or telling Vicki things I wouldn't tell her in a million years. I swear I could never do to him the things he does to me.

He accuses me of building a wall between us that he's trying to knock down, but sometimes I wonder. He doesn't expect a lot from me but what he does expect he wants so desperately that our whole relationship depends on it, but the more they're picked at the less I want to change them. I don't know anymore if I want to write him a letter cos it would just be a special thing to do or cos I know he'll make me feel as guilty as fuck if I don't.

I'll put up with it though cos today I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen for a while, the scared side, the child inside whose hurting, the person he is when he's asleep and half dreaming, vulnerable and frightened and so innocent its ironic. The trouble is I don't even know if he's full aware of himself. I guess I just know that I could never leave him, I could never hurt anyone that much. I'd love to give him the love he needs, make him feel secure.

Sometimes his feelings suffercate me to the point that I have to switch off. The voices inside my head are all fighting to be heard so much that they become lost in the chaos. By the end of each day I'll feel so drained I kinda wonder why I bother - but I'll never give up.

23rd June 1995

He had it all. Y'know, the posh accent, the gorgeous sports car, the smouldering eyes. I thought he was a bit of a prat at first-Y'know, the typical Mr-I-think-I'm-so-wonderful, yet there was something about him that made me desperate for his attention.  That's all I wanted and I dare say I wouldn't have done anything about it...if I hadn't started drinking.
My flirting was painfully obvious yet it meant nothing - not really. Then somehow I told him about P and our 'arrangements'. He told me I was too young to be tying myself down and I told him maybe it was too late. As we talked and I sobered up I saw a side to him that I hadn't anticipated.  I saw someone who seemed concerned and caring. I don't know if he just felt sorry for me but somehow I knew, although we were complete strangers, he knew me a hell of a lot better than I thought. He said I had a lot going for me, I had a nice smile and nice hair and at 16 I shouldn't be making such commitments as I'm gonna change, whether I like it or not, I've got my life ahead of me - My life and I have to think of myself. It wasn't like he was telling me what to do. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and I wish I could have talked for longer. He gave me his number and said to call it if I wanted to talk. I wish I could promise that I won't phone him. I wish I could just throw those numbers away - but for some reason I can't - not yet anyway.

24/6/95
p.s Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought or maybe I'm not as stupid but I think I'll give that phone call a miss for now.

19th June 1995

I don't know how long I can put up with this for - I feel so.... drained - I try to be honest but I end up sounding a bitch. He says he wants to know how I feel but when I tell him he doesn't listen and when I'm too scared to tell him he hates me. I can't win. I tried, I really did. I convinced myself I was in the wrong all fucking night. Inside maybe I hated him but I convinced myself it was me I hated for treating him so badly. I love him and tried to understand how he felt, how I had hurt him-I knew it was my fault. All night I tried to make things better I hated myself, blamed myself for the situation just like he blamed me. I sympathised with his sob stories. I listended to his accusations. I accepted his insults, just like I accepted his apologies, although we both knew it was unnecessary. Like we both knew his feelings weren't being considered or if they were it sure as hell weren't enough. He was the one suffering afterall, because of me, because I couldn't tell him I was happy, because I love him too much to feel secure, because I cant believe that I deserve someone like him to care for me. How could I be so insensitive and ungrateful?? Just because he asks for the truth and says he wont get mad doesn't mean I have the right to tell him how I feel. Just like last night. Except tonight I wont be writing a 4 page letter to apologize for my behaviour - I guess I don't feel up to it right now. I guess he had to find out some day that I'm not the nice girl he thought afterall.

18th June 1995

I've never had a problem trusting P before so what's changed? Why do I suddenly doubt everything - cos of some stupid dream? I don't know what's wrong with me - I'm even imagining what I'd do if we split up. I feel so guilty for thinking like this. There's no reason for me not to trust him and I feel so shitty which is why I cant understand how me can tell me all his jealous and possessive thoughts so easily. I've never felt like this before - maybe I love him more now than I ever have before.

P.s. I said before I couldn't understand how P likes me so much when I don't feel that he brings out the best in me. I figure he doesnt bring out the best in me. He brings out the me in me. I don't feel I have to pretend when I'm with him, like I do with other lads. Its easier to understand people liking you when you know its not the real you that they know-just some act to hide behind. So its wierd when someone starts liking you for who you are-not the act.

15th June 1995

I love him....but I'm scared that I'm not enough for him. I'm scared that I can't tell him how I feel. I haven't told him my fear of getting pregnant because I try to block out the reason. I'm scared of people looking at me like I've done something wrong. People who think they know me but don't understand. Surely I shouldn't care. P thinks I'm so 'good' and 'nice' which makes me feel like a fake because I know I'm not but I'm willing to hide behind that image. I regret not always telling him the truth-if I did maybe he'd realize how much more I feel for him now than I did. I wish I could say that he brings out the best in me but I don't feel that he does. I don't understand how he can tell me I'm special. I'm scared of changing but I'm scared of staying the same-I just want to make him happy-maybe too much. I want him to hear what he wants to hear from me, not about my moments of mistrust in him, how scared I am of finding out things I wouldn't want to find out. I need to learn how to show him I love him before I scare him with my worries. I feel guilty just writing this-as if Im keeping some big secret from him. Everyday I feel like I should be making it up to him, but I never feel that I have. I don't even know why I feel like this-he deserves so much more. Why am I doing this to him?

1st June 1995

It hurts more than anything has ever hurt before. I want the pain to stop. I feel sick. It's like somebody's tearing at me inside. I guess you can't have all the pleasures of being in love without the pain that goes with it.

I can't write anymore. I want to wake up and all this to be over.

28th May 1995

No one can explain the feeling

God, I feel so fucked up. I've been made to feel like shit practically all day. Why the fuck does the fact that I'm not particularly keen on ruining the f all the relationships I have left with people for a few hours of fun automatically prove that I can't be trusted, am a complete liar, and am actually not in love at all. Whereas purposely making me feel like shit repeatedly is perfectly fine???? acceptable????? I don't want to write anything I might regret. I just hope to God things get better cos they sure as hell cant get much worse. Whats scary is that I don't think I'm strong enough to get myself out if they do.

26th May 1995

Sometimes I think that this might actually be it. I know that often it seems to take a while to catch up with my feelings but I've realise now that I no longer want to stay with P because he says he can't live without me but because I've got a funny feeling that I'd have serious problems too coping without him. I don't want to feel pressured into loving him cos I guess I can manage that perfectly well on my own-without any encouragement. He's been hurt so much in the past. Its just an amazing feeling to know that I, in some way seem to, I dont know, I guess its hard to understand what it is that I do for him. I do know he deserves someone who'll make him feel special and loved. Personally, I feel he deserves more than me. There are heaps of people out there that can give him the love he needs, but I guess he's had trouble finding them. He makes out that I am the most caring person in the world. I'm not sure about that but I do know that I just want to make him happy and I guess it kinda hurts when I don't feel I'm able to do that. I haven't a clue if any of this makes sense. I'm just trying to figure it out in my head, what I want, how I feel. It's so hard to see things in proportion when you feel like this. Maybe I'll even look back and laugh but right now I know that P is the most special person in my life and I guess being away from him is not gonna be easy. I've got a feeling I'm gonna miss him more than I can imagine.

22nd May 1995

Finishing these exams has really made a difference to the way I feel about P. I guess its hard to let yourself fall in love and memorize the ions present in hard water or worrying about bodging an exam at the same time. But I always knew things would be different after the 21st. Its like I can finally relax and fully enjoy the pleasures of have a gorgeous caring sexy boyf who loves me for who I am. I know what we have is special. It's like now I have the chance to prove it to him. I honestly can't imagine going out with someone else after P. I guess I cant say how I'm gonna feel in what a year, 2 years times but I'm gonna have to change a hell of a lot if I ever decide to leave P cos right now I just couldn't imagine it.

When I wrote before I was kinda pissed off, maybe I said things that weren't exactly true. P made up for it by phoning 9.00 the next morning to meet me to apologize a few thousand times for pissing me off. I love him (to the max!)

15th May 1995

So much has happened - I don't know where to start. P's been treating me like a queen. Sometimes I think I must be the luckiest girl in the world. I really do love him. Sally's been a pure bitch lately. I honestly can't see that I've done anything wrong but she's been treating both me and P like shit and I've just decided that shes just not worth the hassle. I really don't need friends like that. I've been seeing P for 5 weeks now. He talks about moving in together and getting married and stuff. I guess I should be kinda scared but right now it's like, maybe I don't realize or can't accept what I mean to him. He talks about how I've changed his life and he wouldn't know how to cope without me. I guess the fact that I'm not scared is scary in itself. I'm not saying everything's perfect between us but I guess we have something special - not something I could easily throw away. The only thing that annoys me is how he can sometimes seem to be looking for something to go wrong - for me to tell him I don't care about him, which I find hard to understand cos I guess I'm the kinda person to hide from stuff like that. If I think there's a problem then I'll try and avoid it, ignore it and hope it will disappear, because I'm scared of inventing an opportunity to ruin things. Maybe that's stupid. I don't know. Sometimes I'm scared that I'm in too deep and I'm suddenly going to realize that I can't get out. As much as I love P, and I do, it's like there's always a voice in my head trying to tell me that he means nothing to me and I wouldn't miss him if I never saw him again. I don't know how I feel. I've never been in love before. It doesn't hurt when I'm not with him like he says it does. I know I don't make him feel as special as I should but I'm scared of telling him things that I don't even know are true or not. As much as I'd love to I cant tell him that I'll never leave him or I wouldn't cope without him etc but I dont want to tell him that I would cope or might leave cos, I dont know, I wish I was sure of how I felt but I dont know how to find out.

5th May 1995

Something weird's going on & I just don't know who to believe anymore. I hate it cos I had a really good time with with P today. In fact I aways do. Its just when  Sally was Ok with me too. In fact she was really nice - I can't believe that either of them would lie to me. I wish I could keep them separate cos they both bring out the worst in each other and I hate it. P says if I left him it would tear him apart. He was almost crying. Its kinda scary but he makes me and yet safe at the same time. Is that really selfish? I guess I've kinda brought on all the hassels between P & S myself cos I'm too honest with both of them  - which kinda makes me two faced. Why does life have to be so confusing???

1st May 1995

I told P I loved him and I meant it - more than anything. I guess its days like this that make me realise just how much he does mean to me. Right now I wouldn't care if I never had anything to do with Sally again. Sure she's been a bitch before but I've never felt like she's deliberately tried to hurt me. I hate the way she acts as though she's above me, she can do so much better for herself etc. She says that I don't tell her anything and I'm not gonna pretend that I do. I don't even try to cos its not worth it. I don't know how she can honestly expect me to tell her stuff when half the time she acts so uninterested as if she simply doesn't want to know.  It's not that that really bothers me, it's mainly what she's been saying to P about me. She knows how to get to him and has done a pretty good job of it. It makes me sick how she's determined to ruin this for me.

30th April 1995

I've just written P a major soppy letter. Oh how sad I am, I am so sad etc etc

pm

The letter was a hit! Apparently it said 'everything P wanted to hear from me'.  He phoned me just to tell me that. I love him loads.

29th April 1995

I don't believe this, P gets on better with my bloody parents than he does with me. I hate it. I know its not P's fault but I just feel so patronised. What the fuck does he see in me anyway - I'm only 15 for Gods sake. He deserves more. I do love him but I just can't understand how he can tell me he loves me. I can't tell him how I feel cos the last thing I want is his sympathy... For the first time I feel jealous, possesive and even obsessive - meanwhile P's stressing that I don't feel as much for him as he feels for me... I know I'm doing things in a crazy order but right now I feel ......in love?? It's kinds scary - I've never known how it feels to be in love before.

27th April 1995

well.....I'm still the same person..............(!!?!)

26th April 1995

I think I'm in lurrve....

21st April 1995

What the hell is wrong with me - I really don't know a good thing when I see one (???).  I don't realize how lucky I am. P is special - its taken me a while to realize it but something Vicky said today made me realize I am lucky. He treats me like a queen and I know I don't deserve him. I'm never gonna find anyone else like him. As Vicky said 'I've definitely caught a good'en!' I guess I've been taking his feelings for granted and haven't been treating him as well as I should. He deserves more from me. I guess its time to wake up and start treating him right. He's so good to me. Its gonna take someone very special to live up to my standards after going out with P. The thought of falling in love with him doesn't quite seem so scary anymore - I may even enjoy it....

20th April 1995

Today was really weird - P was telling me about all his problems and how he couldn't cope with life anymore. I really wanted to help but I just didn't know how to. I felt so useless, it kinda got to me. I wish I knew how I felt so I could tell him. He wants me to love him so much, but I don't know if I'm ready to. Nothing makes sense anymore - I'm so scared of hurting him - I've never been in this position and I don't know how to react. I've always wanted someone to love me and make me feel special but I guess it scares me that I can mean so much to him when personally I don't feel that good about myself at all. I want to love him back but I dont know if I do. Maybe I need some time to find out how I feel. I'm scared of finding out that I don't need him. I hate myself for leading him on. If I loved him then it wouldn't be a problem which is maybe why I feel obliged to love him. I can't risk the chance of finding out that I don't because I'd never forgive myself. I'm all he has. I've screwed up his life and now all he has is me. It scares the hell out of me.

16th April 1995

I wish I knew how I felt so that I know what to write but, I dont know,  I just seem to be unable to feel anything anymore. I dont know if I should be over the moon or scared out of my head. All I can do is listen to other people and how they feel - in the hope that maybe I'll be able to relate to some of what they say. But I just seem immune to any kind of feeling or opinion - it must sound stupid. Maybe I'm not ready for  all this - maybe I'm taking things too quickly but....maybe I should be in love then again I may even be in love -  I just don't know.

15th April 1995

FUCK!-What the hell is wrong with me. I phoned Ali, explained to him how I felt - I guess was going ok till he told me to tell P he's a bastard etc, it was as if that just set a trigger off inside me. I just started crying - not badly at first but I just kinda broke down after he'd gone. Ali said something about maybe we'd get back together again sometime - I'm surprised he'd even consider taking me back after the way I've treated him. The phone rang a few seconds after I'd put the phone down but they hung up after I'd said hello - I don't know if it was Ali or not - I guess I never will.

pm.
I sometimes think that life's one big trick just waiting to catch me out...
P seems to really like me - maybe too much - I'm scared of believing everything he says cos I just feel so vulnerable. Everyone keeps warning me about P - but I don't care - I'm even tempted to give them something to worry about - I dont know if I luv P but I do know I luv being with him and how he makes me feel - that doesn't mean I've forgotton about Ali cos I haven't at all. He meant a lot to me and I'm not expecting to forget him just like that. But I dont know - maybe its gonna take longer than I thought

14th April 1995

I'm such a bitch - I knew this would happen - I saw P and we had a really good time - I was just so happy y'know. I swear he is just so perfect its scary. I think I love him -  which brings me on to Ali - What I'm doing to him is just so low - I'm treating him like shit & feel as guilty as fuck about it - He doesn't deserve to be treated like this and I really hate myself so I'm going to tell him the truth. Which must suck after I told him how I wanted to forget about P - What the fuck did I expect was going to happen today? I know I deserve it but I cant stand the thought of everyone hating me. P and Ali are just so different to compare. I hope to God that I'm not making a mistake - I really do.

10.45
Ok, so I phoned Ali eventually. I guess he took it quite well. He asked if I'd enjoyed going out with him and if I regretted it and stuff but he said he wasn't really expecting it to last for long or nothing.  I'm not sure how I should take that but I'm chuffed that he doesn't hate me - I hope he still feels the same when he's sober! I phoned P after and I feel sure I made the right decision - Hating myself was kinda starting to do my head in. I feel really stupid about roaring on the phone to Charlie now - I was just really messed up. I know everyones gonna say P's too old for me - but I dont care - he treats me like I'm special and I love him to bits!!
P.s This 13 year old attempted to chat me up (non-so subtly) in town today-what with that & Kully confessing his undying love for me (well kinda..(??)) this bofy theory thing is becoming kinda spooky!

12th April 1995

I should have written yesterday cos I guess how I feel today will reflect in explaining what happened. I spoke to P on the phone. I could have seen him but I didn't want to until I'd read this letter that he wrote me - well that was my excuse - it was partly true but one reason I didn't want to see him was cos I was scared of fancying him again if I saw him. Anyway P was being really nice on the phone - I got his letter and I have to admit I never imagined that any lad could be that sweet. I've written back an equally deep and meaningful letter. Sal read it and kinda accused me of leading him on-that wasn't my intention at all, I genuinely just wanted him to know I didn't hate him or particularly deserve his sympathy. Sal promised that she wouldn't tell me but apparently P fancies me. This kinda confused me to the max. I've arranged to do something really stupid but I have a feeling I'm not going to realize till too late - I'm seeing P tomorrow. I'm not sure why - maybe it was a mistake. I'd arranged to see Ali today & I figured that I'd be able to work out where I stood with Ali before seeing P. Things went really well with Ali, we talked for quite a while and we had a really good laugh. I kinda decided this was where I wanted to be. I don't know what happened then, about 9.30 he just turned really funny on me. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong - I don't want to sound like I'm dissing him cos of a slight mood swing - I just wish he could have talked to me. Everything was so perfect before (ice cream has never tasted so good!!!) p.s. its true that lads only start paying attention to you when you've got a boyf - it sucks

10th April 1995

I luv Ali to the max, 

roll on Hagen Das Friday!..........(!!!)

??!!

P.s. I've just been talking to some extremely strange person on the phone claiming to be David for almost an hour. I swear this could not be the same person who is accused of being shy. I couldn't shut him up! He is the craziest crudest person I know! I'm still recovering from the shock. Apparently I'm extremely privildeged that he has revealed his true self to me. I swear I'll wake up any minute and find it was a dream! Split personality OR WHAT!!!???

9th April 1995

I'm finally getting my life sorted out -  well concerning Ali anyway. I've actually got Sal to thank for getting me out of this mess. She phoned him to say how bad I felt about it all etc, then he phoned me and apologised for upsetting me - which wounds kinda ironic,  so we forgave each other and just chatted, y'know, about stuff..... well about sex actually but nothing heavy. We were just having a laugh. Ali is the sweetest guy I know. Even Sal says he's sweet and I'm lucky to have him - As if I didn't know! I'm just so chuffed we're getting on so well again. I don't know what I'd have done if we split up- I know we've only been going out for 2 weeks but I guess I've fallen for him in a big way. I'm not saying he's perfect but he sure as hell comes close.
P.s. I  was out of order saying that stuff about P. I guess I just needed to feel as though I hated him - it made things clearer in my head.

9th April 1995

I am just so fucked up -  I need to know where I stand with Ali. From what I've heard it seems that P has been giving the impression that I was totally to blame and that he couldn't control me. I wish I could remember more so that I could disprove that. Ok, so maybe I was coming on to him but he has no right to act as if he is completely blameless. I can remember some of what happened and believe me it didn't seem like he was trying to control me -  he sure has a warped idea of the term control. I can't believe I've almost lost Ali over this bastard. What the fuck is wrong with me.

8th April 1995

I'm not quite sure where I should start. There's no way of telling this that won't make it sound soooo awful. Basically at Sal's party there was this lad-P, 20 something, black, fit, etc. I got totally pissed and y'know somehow ended up lying next to him. Everyone was telling me to get off him but P was like 'leave her alone, she's fine, I'll look after her' and he probably would have if he hadn't got pissed too. I got worse and really didn't have a clue what I was doing - I wish I could say that if I did I wouldn't have done what I did, but, I don't know, I guess I'm still confused. Anyway I got off with him. I remember that because it was just so different to Ali. Again I wish I could say that it was him coming on to me but unfortunately it wasn't so I don't have any excuse. Apparently we were like this close to going all the way which sounds kinda scary but I was just so pissed I didn't think about what was going on. Anyway someone came in just in time and I started crying for about 2 hours. I hadn't a clue what had just happened. Everyone else was having a go at P so he was getting really stressed and then he thumped a massive hole in the wall. I can't remember a thing about what happened next. I remember apologizing to Sal's brov and he was like 'It's ok, we all get pissed sometimes - you're young etc ' and for some reason I kissed him on the hand (?)

I know what happened with P was a big mistake but at the time I really did feel like I loved him. It sounds stupid now - I knew this person for what half an hour if that before coming to this conclusion. I do regret what happened - I was stupid and I know it was my fault - I want to tell Ali because I just feel that he deserves to know what an idiot I am. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to know me but I just want to be honest with him - he deserves that much.

pm

I told Ali what happened but I just felt as though I was trying to make excuses for myself. As if by telling him what happened would somehow make up for it. I guess I did the right thing by telling him but I haven't a clue how he feels about me now, and I don't know what the fuck I should do next. He said it didn't matter but then he started asking me stupid questions like will I see him again and was he good - what the fuck am I meant to say to that? God I'm so stupid.

pm

James phoned me and said that Ali likes me but he just doesn't know if he can trust me. Apparently he got really stressed and hit a fence or something - I just felt really bad and was almost roaring - I phoned Ali and tried to explain things better. I don't know if it did much good. I basically said that I didn't blame him if he hated me and I must sound really pathetic etc. I just really didn't know how to explain that he means a lot more to me than it must seem. I hate myself for letting what happened happen. I was so determined not to let Ali get away and I end up just ruining it all for some lad I don't even know. I hope things can go back to the way they were with me and Ali - Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I just don't deserve him anyway.....

6th April 1995

I guess I've always just kinda assumed that all lads had like a major problem with talking about their feelings. But Ali's different. He doesn't pretend to be something he's not. I admit that at first I simply fancied him cos I thought he was a complete babe whereas I knew fuck all about his personality. I'm not saying that I know everything there is to know about him now but we have agreed to try and get to know each other properly without all this polite talk crap. He asked if he was the person I'd gone furthest with and I wish I could have said yes. I really regret getting off with that German lad. I'll never forgive myself for letting him make me feel like he just used me. Me and Ali are special. I guess I don't need to have gone the furthest with him to prove that. I just can't stand having to compare Ali to someone who I felt absolutely nothing for.

4th April 1995

School was actually kinda cool. In Tech we played this game which was meant to reveal everyone's deepest secrets! It was a pure laugh, I ended up kissing Jonathan on the hand which was no big deal although it looks like I'm never gonna live it down. If I wasn't so smitten with Ali then I could have been in serious danger of actually taking a liking to the dude (Jonathan)-which is extremely sad and I'm sure I'll regret saying that. I saw Sean R on the way home and he goes 'Hi luv-you've got a nice smile y'know'!! What with that and Andrew almost (?) admitting that I was the sexiest girl in the class (???) I've just been overwhelmed with compliments - I'm sure I shouldn't be this happy with life - it's kinda scary!
P.s. I hope Ali will still luv me when I've failed all my exams!!!

3rd April 1995

For a first date I guess it went pretty well!! At first it was kinda awkward which I expected-but at Dom's house everything was perfect(!!) (the can of beer may have something to do with it!!). We talked loads, y'know about stuff you want to talk about-none of this polite conversation crap. I even told him about J and that crap I'm always bobbbing on about in here but have never actually told anyone. He's really considerate and likes it to be clear where we stand. Apparently none of his relationships have lasted more than a month so I reassured him we'd last forever. He doesn't make me feel at all insecure. If our relationship was like it was at Dom's house all the time then it would be perfect - He's the nicest person whose ever taken an interest in me and I'm determined not to let him go.

31st March 1995

Helloooooo! I just phoned Ali (major phone bill attack!!)(?) Pre-phone call I was getting a bit stressed cos I was getting visions of going through all that crap like with J again but I don't see how I could have compared the two. I guess I was just paranoid, I mean I almost convinced myself that this thang with Ali was gonna end just cos he wasn't in when I phoned (stress!??). Anyway apres-phone call I was kinda chuffed cos, well we talked for over an hour (yet again) which I guess isn't something I could do avec many lads (esp J). We're meeting on Wed (???). I can't wait-soz if that sounds kinda sad-in fact every aspect of writing a diary is extremely sad! But hey, like anyone's gonna find out??(!!??)
p.s. I thought I fancied David on Sat (stress!!??) but I'm over that now, Ok so he's a babe but if I wanted to go out with Mr-no-personality then I'd snog a cat(???)-maybe not but ya catch my drift(??!!). Au fait-the lurve of Charlie's life walked me home on Sat, he's not as dippy as he seems-actually he is as dippy as he seems-I'm not quite sure what point I'm trying to make here so I'll shut up, Seeya later Ali-gater (!!??!!) (?)

27th March 1995

I just spoke to Ali-eventually. Anyway apparently I'm seeing him on Sun (???)......Watch this space.....

26th March 1995

I can't believe it. I'm actually going out with Ali, Can ya catch it?? I'd decided y'know that I wasn't gonna phone him again cos I didn't want to go through the whole scenario of asking him out and then convincing myself I'd pressured him into saying yes etc. I've been there before and I know how it ends. I couldn't be doing with going through all that again. I'd almost given up on him and then he phoned at 8.30 and said " er......erm.....er....I was wondering if ..er..you'd like to go out with me?" So being the calm and collective person I am replied 'yeah, whatever' and haven't stopped beaming since!!

P.s. I also found out that his mate Dom is a bit of a babe. I can't believe I spent 45 mins telling some Sex God how much I loved Radio 4!! Hey, like I care. I've got Ali right?
 
I <3 Ali

(Oh dear does this mean I'm gonna be doing sad things like this again???!!!)