I'm not quite sure where I should start. There's no way of telling this that won't make it sound soooo awful. Basically at Sal's party there was this lad-P, 20 something, black, fit, etc. I got totally pissed and y'know somehow ended up lying next to him. Everyone was telling me to get off him but P was like 'leave her alone, she's fine, I'll look after her' and he probably would have if he hadn't got pissed too. I got worse and really didn't have a clue what I was doing - I wish I could say that if I did I wouldn't have done what I did, but, I don't know, I guess I'm still confused. Anyway I got off with him. I remember that because it was just so different to Ali. Again I wish I could say that it was him coming on to me but unfortunately it wasn't so I don't have any excuse. Apparently we were like this close to going all the way which sounds kinda scary but I was just so pissed I didn't think about what was going on. Anyway someone came in just in time and I started crying for about 2 hours. I hadn't a clue what had just happened. Everyone else was having a go at P so he was getting really stressed and then he thumped a massive hole in the wall. I can't remember a thing about what happened next. I remember apologizing to Sal's brov and he was like 'It's ok, we all get pissed sometimes - you're young etc ' and for some reason I kissed him on the hand (?)
I know what happened with P was a big mistake but at the time I really did feel like I loved him. It sounds stupid now - I knew this person for what half an hour if that before coming to this conclusion. I do regret what happened - I was stupid and I know it was my fault - I want to tell Ali because I just feel that he deserves to know what an idiot I am. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to know me but I just want to be honest with him - he deserves that much.
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I told Ali what happened but I just felt as though I was trying to make excuses for myself. As if by telling him what happened would somehow make up for it. I guess I did the right thing by telling him but I haven't a clue how he feels about me now, and I don't know what the fuck I should do next. He said it didn't matter but then he started asking me stupid questions like will I see him again and was he good - what the fuck am I meant to say to that? God I'm so stupid.
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James phoned me and said that Ali likes me but he just doesn't know if he can trust me. Apparently he got really stressed and hit a fence or something - I just felt really bad and was almost roaring - I phoned Ali and tried to explain things better. I don't know if it did much good. I basically said that I didn't blame him if he hated me and I must sound really pathetic etc. I just really didn't know how to explain that he means a lot more to me than it must seem. I hate myself for letting what happened happen. I was so determined not to let Ali get away and I end up just ruining it all for some lad I don't even know. I hope things can go back to the way they were with me and Ali - Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I just don't deserve him anyway.....
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