12th April 1995

I should have written yesterday cos I guess how I feel today will reflect in explaining what happened. I spoke to P on the phone. I could have seen him but I didn't want to until I'd read this letter that he wrote me - well that was my excuse - it was partly true but one reason I didn't want to see him was cos I was scared of fancying him again if I saw him. Anyway P was being really nice on the phone - I got his letter and I have to admit I never imagined that any lad could be that sweet. I've written back an equally deep and meaningful letter. Sal read it and kinda accused me of leading him on-that wasn't my intention at all, I genuinely just wanted him to know I didn't hate him or particularly deserve his sympathy. Sal promised that she wouldn't tell me but apparently P fancies me. This kinda confused me to the max. I've arranged to do something really stupid but I have a feeling I'm not going to realize till too late - I'm seeing P tomorrow. I'm not sure why - maybe it was a mistake. I'd arranged to see Ali today & I figured that I'd be able to work out where I stood with Ali before seeing P. Things went really well with Ali, we talked for quite a while and we had a really good laugh. I kinda decided this was where I wanted to be. I don't know what happened then, about 9.30 he just turned really funny on me. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong - I don't want to sound like I'm dissing him cos of a slight mood swing - I just wish he could have talked to me. Everything was so perfect before (ice cream has never tasted so good!!!) p.s. its true that lads only start paying attention to you when you've got a boyf - it sucks