20th April 1995

Today was really weird - P was telling me about all his problems and how he couldn't cope with life anymore. I really wanted to help but I just didn't know how to. I felt so useless, it kinda got to me. I wish I knew how I felt so I could tell him. He wants me to love him so much, but I don't know if I'm ready to. Nothing makes sense anymore - I'm so scared of hurting him - I've never been in this position and I don't know how to react. I've always wanted someone to love me and make me feel special but I guess it scares me that I can mean so much to him when personally I don't feel that good about myself at all. I want to love him back but I dont know if I do. Maybe I need some time to find out how I feel. I'm scared of finding out that I don't need him. I hate myself for leading him on. If I loved him then it wouldn't be a problem which is maybe why I feel obliged to love him. I can't risk the chance of finding out that I don't because I'd never forgive myself. I'm all he has. I've screwed up his life and now all he has is me. It scares the hell out of me.