26th May 1995

Sometimes I think that this might actually be it. I know that often it seems to take a while to catch up with my feelings but I've realise now that I no longer want to stay with P because he says he can't live without me but because I've got a funny feeling that I'd have serious problems too coping without him. I don't want to feel pressured into loving him cos I guess I can manage that perfectly well on my own-without any encouragement. He's been hurt so much in the past. Its just an amazing feeling to know that I, in some way seem to, I dont know, I guess its hard to understand what it is that I do for him. I do know he deserves someone who'll make him feel special and loved. Personally, I feel he deserves more than me. There are heaps of people out there that can give him the love he needs, but I guess he's had trouble finding them. He makes out that I am the most caring person in the world. I'm not sure about that but I do know that I just want to make him happy and I guess it kinda hurts when I don't feel I'm able to do that. I haven't a clue if any of this makes sense. I'm just trying to figure it out in my head, what I want, how I feel. It's so hard to see things in proportion when you feel like this. Maybe I'll even look back and laugh but right now I know that P is the most special person in my life and I guess being away from him is not gonna be easy. I've got a feeling I'm gonna miss him more than I can imagine.