15th May 1995

So much has happened - I don't know where to start. P's been treating me like a queen. Sometimes I think I must be the luckiest girl in the world. I really do love him. Sally's been a pure bitch lately. I honestly can't see that I've done anything wrong but she's been treating both me and P like shit and I've just decided that shes just not worth the hassle. I really don't need friends like that. I've been seeing P for 5 weeks now. He talks about moving in together and getting married and stuff. I guess I should be kinda scared but right now it's like, maybe I don't realize or can't accept what I mean to him. He talks about how I've changed his life and he wouldn't know how to cope without me. I guess the fact that I'm not scared is scary in itself. I'm not saying everything's perfect between us but I guess we have something special - not something I could easily throw away. The only thing that annoys me is how he can sometimes seem to be looking for something to go wrong - for me to tell him I don't care about him, which I find hard to understand cos I guess I'm the kinda person to hide from stuff like that. If I think there's a problem then I'll try and avoid it, ignore it and hope it will disappear, because I'm scared of inventing an opportunity to ruin things. Maybe that's stupid. I don't know. Sometimes I'm scared that I'm in too deep and I'm suddenly going to realize that I can't get out. As much as I love P, and I do, it's like there's always a voice in my head trying to tell me that he means nothing to me and I wouldn't miss him if I never saw him again. I don't know how I feel. I've never been in love before. It doesn't hurt when I'm not with him like he says it does. I know I don't make him feel as special as I should but I'm scared of telling him things that I don't even know are true or not. As much as I'd love to I cant tell him that I'll never leave him or I wouldn't cope without him etc but I dont want to tell him that I would cope or might leave cos, I dont know, I wish I was sure of how I felt but I dont know how to find out.