30th June 1995

After a stressful day yesterday and a mental note to make more of an effort to be a better girlfriend, we had a most successful day today. We didn't argue once - it was quite an achievement. It seemed like he not only needed me but loved me too. I guess the feeling was mutual.

I accidently discovered something that he yesterday read out to me. He wrote it about the day we first met. Except the version I found was distinctly different to the version he read to me, which was much more complimentary to moi and displayed distinctly less admiration towards 'Sam'. I never thought that he could lie to try and make me feel more special. I guess I thought that was my job. If he lied about this what else has my perfect boyfriend lied about that I would never find out.

I guess its comforting to know that maybe I'm not the only one living a lie......

27th June 1995

Things are quite different now. He's done just as I asked, y'know, he doesn't go mad at me anymore, and doesn't moan for hours on end. He reckons he's changed heaps. He was dead proud that he didn't go mad at me in the cafe when Charlie was talking about Simon and stuff. Instead he just got stressed and then when we got home he explained it to me, explained that I had no reason to be mad at him at all, explained that after telling me I was a tart everything was ok and we'd forget about it all, explained that he had a right to be mad and he'd done everything right, just as I wanted, we'd sorted it out in a civilized manner, but all I could think was 'what the fuck have I done?'.

I found myself wishing that he had gone mad in the cafe. I needed an excuse to resent him and now I didn't have one. He was so pleased and impressed with himself for acting the 'perfect boyfriend'. I don't know what I want anymore. I've got what I thought I wanted so why don't I feel any better? I guess nothing has really changed. I'm still scared of asking for my life back, even more so. The way he see's it is we've sorted out our problems so there's no need to see less of each other. If I loved him then I'd want to see him, simple as that. He says if I'd have decided not to go to rehersal with him then he would have seen it as the end and there wouldn't be any point in carrying on. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to go through with something like that. It seemes kinda impossible now. He even talked about killing himself - God, what have I got myself into. He wants me to think about moving in with him. He says if I love him I have to give up a little, I have to give up things for him for once, I have to make it real, prove to him that I mean what I say. He thinks I owe him that at least.

I thought yesterday had been an improvement. We had a laugh and didn't talk about the future or any kind of pressures and I could feel myself loving him like I used to again. It was great. Seeing Charlotte with P today was really awkward cos I knew he didn't want to be there, or rather he didn't want her there. I couldn't believe he told her we were having sex. I know he did it out of spite but he doesn't realize how unnecessary it was. He spent the rest of the day slagging Charlie off, like he does with all my friends. Sorry-I've got no right to be bitchy-I know he doesn't mean it so it's not even worth stressing about. Sometimes I just wish we could have a normal relationship but how exactly do you define normal? I feel like such a fake, why can't I be happy with what I've got? He's the perfect boyfriend right? What more could I want.....

26th June 1995

Today has been a day and a half but for the first time ever I've been honest with him and in return he's been honest with me. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes me feel. For the first time I felt he was listening, not just talking but listening and trying to understand. I have more respect for him now than I ever have. I understand him better than I ever have. He feels ashamed of what he told me today but just explaining it to me and showing me how much he wants to change and make up for the damage made me look at him in a way I haven't for a long while. I've never stopped loving him but for the first time I wanted to do something about it, I want to make things better because I know they can be. It was almost like I'd given up hope. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore but suddenly I can see more than just surviving to the end of each day. I don't dread the next day. I'm not saying everything's perfect, they wont be for a while but least I've got a bit of hope again. He means so much to me. I felt guilty for feeling how I did towards him and although he seemed to understand I hope to god he doesn't resent me, I hope he doesn't hate himself, I hope he's still there for me, I hope I never take him for granted again.

25th June 1995

She says he doesn't love me, he wants to possess me. Its unnatural, she says. How she saw me on Sunday was the happiest she'd seen me for ages, because I was my 'old' self again. She says I've lost all my friends and I'm wasting the holidays - like its become a habit. She says not to believe that I've changed him, that I'm different; his insecurities are painfully obvious.

I wish I could say that I didn't listen, that I took no notice, that I didn't believe a word of it. I promised P I wouldn't listen, I promised but I.....I want my life back........I don't know what to do.

I told him he's not controlling me but he is whether he likes it or not. I'm scared of him. I'm scared of hurting him so much that I can't be honest with him. He's changed me. He's taken so much out of me that I've got nothing left to give. This can't carry on.....

24th June 1995

It's almost like he's trying to drive me away - he feels like shit so why shouldn't I? Maybe I have changed or maybe I've just become more honest with myself. We always have to see it from his point of view. He'll go out of his way to recall every little thing he's done for me and hold it against me, so I can see that he's just so hard done by. I've hurt him yet again but the thing is, one or two reminders of what an ungrateful insensitive girlfriend I am just aren't enough. It has to carry on continously through the whole day. Of course I can't deny that what he's saying isn't true. He says nothing I don't already know. I wish I had surprised him and phoned him yesterday, or wrote him a letter. And its only right to assume that the fact I didn't makes me the lowest of the low, and him so very 'soft' for putting up with my irrational behavior. So when I told him that I mentioned to someone how he asked me not to go swimming that was it, I'd betrayed his trust and can never be forgiven. How dare I ridicule him in front of a stranger? Of course its completely different to him complaining about me to Sally or telling Vicki things I wouldn't tell her in a million years. I swear I could never do to him the things he does to me.

He accuses me of building a wall between us that he's trying to knock down, but sometimes I wonder. He doesn't expect a lot from me but what he does expect he wants so desperately that our whole relationship depends on it, but the more they're picked at the less I want to change them. I don't know anymore if I want to write him a letter cos it would just be a special thing to do or cos I know he'll make me feel as guilty as fuck if I don't.

I'll put up with it though cos today I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen for a while, the scared side, the child inside whose hurting, the person he is when he's asleep and half dreaming, vulnerable and frightened and so innocent its ironic. The trouble is I don't even know if he's full aware of himself. I guess I just know that I could never leave him, I could never hurt anyone that much. I'd love to give him the love he needs, make him feel secure.

Sometimes his feelings suffercate me to the point that I have to switch off. The voices inside my head are all fighting to be heard so much that they become lost in the chaos. By the end of each day I'll feel so drained I kinda wonder why I bother - but I'll never give up.

23rd June 1995

He had it all. Y'know, the posh accent, the gorgeous sports car, the smouldering eyes. I thought he was a bit of a prat at first-Y'know, the typical Mr-I-think-I'm-so-wonderful, yet there was something about him that made me desperate for his attention.  That's all I wanted and I dare say I wouldn't have done anything about it...if I hadn't started drinking.
My flirting was painfully obvious yet it meant nothing - not really. Then somehow I told him about P and our 'arrangements'. He told me I was too young to be tying myself down and I told him maybe it was too late. As we talked and I sobered up I saw a side to him that I hadn't anticipated.  I saw someone who seemed concerned and caring. I don't know if he just felt sorry for me but somehow I knew, although we were complete strangers, he knew me a hell of a lot better than I thought. He said I had a lot going for me, I had a nice smile and nice hair and at 16 I shouldn't be making such commitments as I'm gonna change, whether I like it or not, I've got my life ahead of me - My life and I have to think of myself. It wasn't like he was telling me what to do. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and I wish I could have talked for longer. He gave me his number and said to call it if I wanted to talk. I wish I could promise that I won't phone him. I wish I could just throw those numbers away - but for some reason I can't - not yet anyway.

24/6/95
p.s Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought or maybe I'm not as stupid but I think I'll give that phone call a miss for now.

19th June 1995

I don't know how long I can put up with this for - I feel so.... drained - I try to be honest but I end up sounding a bitch. He says he wants to know how I feel but when I tell him he doesn't listen and when I'm too scared to tell him he hates me. I can't win. I tried, I really did. I convinced myself I was in the wrong all fucking night. Inside maybe I hated him but I convinced myself it was me I hated for treating him so badly. I love him and tried to understand how he felt, how I had hurt him-I knew it was my fault. All night I tried to make things better I hated myself, blamed myself for the situation just like he blamed me. I sympathised with his sob stories. I listended to his accusations. I accepted his insults, just like I accepted his apologies, although we both knew it was unnecessary. Like we both knew his feelings weren't being considered or if they were it sure as hell weren't enough. He was the one suffering afterall, because of me, because I couldn't tell him I was happy, because I love him too much to feel secure, because I cant believe that I deserve someone like him to care for me. How could I be so insensitive and ungrateful?? Just because he asks for the truth and says he wont get mad doesn't mean I have the right to tell him how I feel. Just like last night. Except tonight I wont be writing a 4 page letter to apologize for my behaviour - I guess I don't feel up to it right now. I guess he had to find out some day that I'm not the nice girl he thought afterall.